Saturday, February 05, 2011

That wasn't chicken ...

I was trawling t'interweb today doing some research for my new book when I came across a forum discussing Fortune Cookie messages. One of the participants, identified only as Transitional Man , suggested Cynical Brand Fortune Cookies with real messages for a real world rather than dull platitudes. Here are his suggestions:

Your life will be rich in creditors.
The stars hint at a hostage crisis in your future
Your husband doesn't know how to tell you about his syphilis
This restaurant is where kittens go when they die
You have what it takes to win American Idol
Your breasts will never stop sagging.
Streaking a pro football game will lead you to true love.
You are wearing too much clothing.
Go ahead and buy it.
Your meal was prepared according to the Five Second Rule.
You will marry a thousandaire.
Your soul mugger is just around the corner.
Tuesday is an auspicious day for pimping.
Angelina Jolie will come to love you if only you stalk her with enough sincerity.
If you want to lose weight get your recipes from Fear Factor
Today is the last day of the rest of your life.
The virtuous man worries not about bills. Shred yours.
Your secret love will notice you if you yell "Shark!" in a crowded theater."
You will be the subject of a country song.
Someone in Nigeria wants to give you money
The candidates you vote for lose.
You will encounter a tall, dark prostitute.
And you thought dogs didn't taste good. Now you know better.
Creditors shall follow you all the days of your life.
Your soul mate awaits you in prison.
And you thought you'd never be able to eat cat.
Share your underwear.
Your diet is donut deficient
The mad scientist in the alley wants your body.
You will become more popular as the price of gas rises.
Don't worry, she's on the pill.
Don't worry, everyone gets cancer.

Any suggestions?

1 comment:

Persephone said...

If he's that charming, how much practice has he had?

Everyone is having way more fun than you are.

Some women just smile to be friendly; it doesn't mean they'll sleep with you.

Just keep telling yourself that if Brad Pitt weren't married, you'd have a chance with him.

Wisdom may come with age, but self-delusion is less effort.

You'll never be this young again.