Saturday, May 16, 2009

Announcing the first ever Twitter Musical!

For those of you who don't Twitter, myself and Chris Hale today started the idea of a completely democratic open-house writing project. We're encouraging people to submit lyrics, plot ideas and characters for an operetta set in a supermarket. Here's what we have so far in just an hour. It bodes well ...

Trolley, madly, cheaply

A Shoperetta written by Twitterers: @stevyncolgan, @ewarthale, @redmummy, @igoneill, @catronator, @wisecur, @mangowe, @angpang, @canuckuk, @mrslard, @karacornflake, @janedebond (have I missed anyone?)

The plot so far ... Welcome to BESTCO – an average supermarket in an average Northern town. The unfortunately named Mr Mac Staffbaiter runs a tight ship and dreams of one day becoming an area manager. All he has to do is avoid any kind of industrial hassles for one more week...

But then, a row erupts over new signage for the tills. On one side – those who are happy with the grammar of 'five items or less'. And on the other, those who insist it should be 'five items or fewer'. The staff are split. Tempers flare. Battle lines are drawn. Mac has no choice but to shut the store. Can anyone end the feud? Meanwhile, across the grammatical divide, Benny and Kelly - from rival groups -meet and fall in love. They arrange a tryst at the deli counter. But they are seen by Kelly’s on/off boyfriend Beef McLintock, ambient section manager and a 'five items or less' kind of guy. He bashes Benny over the head with a saveloy and locks him in the freezers ...

Scene 1

View of a supermarket storefront - BESTCO. Customers are waiting outside. The doors swish open and Mr Mac Staffbaiter, the manager, emerges.

Good day to all around this county,
Come in, partake you of our bounty ...

The set opens up to reveal the interior of the supermarket. People are bustling around, busily preparing for the customers who rush inside.

Open the doors, let the selling begin
Polish the goods, every pack, jar and tin
Tidy the trolleys and throw back the gin
Our store is now open for you!
Weigh out the cheese, slice up the bacon
Tidy the aisles and shelves ready to take ‘em
Let the tills ring with the money we've taken.
Our store is now open for you!

He dances around the aisles, greeting shoppers and chatting to staff.

Fill up your carts, let the spending go on
'cos shopping's like life - when it's gone it's gone!
Put the scallops on ice, set your price guns on stun!
Our store is now open for you.
Welcome my friends, let the buying begin!
Please swipe your card with the stripe facing in.
We’re open ‘til Midnight so spend like a King
Our store is now open for you!

My name is Kelly, I serve with a smile,
Check your change, sir, and chat for a while
As long as my boyfriend will let me – he’s vile.

Beef McLintock saunters past, smiling cheesily.

Our store is now open to you.

They swarm in and out and they get in my way
As I clean up the filth and debris of the day
On to Aisle Five where some brat’s done a pee …

Our store is now open for you.

My heart belongs to Kelly from the deli,
But I am on the fish and rather smelly.
As I'm slicing up the meat I see her face all soft and sweet
I go tingly in the belly when I spy her from my deli …

Condoms – you get two whole packs for five pounds
Perfect if you like to put yourself around
That Kelly got caught with her mouth wrapped around …

Our store is now open for you.

All kinds of creams and chlamydia tests
To ensure your vagina is feeling its best!
Wish I could remember when I used it last …

Our store is now open for you.

Do you, do you, do you need a bag?
Do you, do you, do you need a bag?

You can buy any item that you care to see
If you buy one, maybe you’ll get one free!

You’ll need more than a card to show your loyalty

Our store is now open for you!
Price checks and price cuts and two for one deals
We’re here to sell you your readymade meals

You can’t live without us – we’ve got you by the … beels.
Our store is now open for you.

The store is now open for you!

Enter Beef McLintock, lothario, loverboy and ambient goods manager. He is wearing an apron with a strategically placed logo – ‘May contain nuts’.

I am the king of everything that keeps at room temperature
My life is just a single tepid excellent adventure
With cabbages and celery, potatoes, leeks and cucumbers,
I am the very model of an ambient section manager.

To be continued ...

There's nothing more creative than a bunch of strangers arsing around on the web is there?

More soon!


chris hale said...

Brill! (available now on the wet fish counter). Don't forget @jgoneill. And have a look at Checkout Cherry's alternative demeanour and Trina Trolleymop's true Trade or Calling...

Bet you wish I hadn't said Tesco! The Musical. You started it with your last post...(!)

Karen Redman said...

Quite, quite wonderful Mr Colgan! I don't know how you do it - but I wish I could, too! x

karacornflake said...

Checkout Cherry from the dell,
slightly dim, but means real well
She beeps and blips with the swing of her hips
loves to give recipe tips