Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Apologies

I do apologise for the shoddy lack of posts this past week or so. It's been a manic fortnight and it's likely to be an equally insane fortnight ahead. Without carping too much, there have been some changes at work which means that my workload has increased substantially. In fact, I will very soon be the primary point of contact for expert advice in my field for some 35,000 employees. Yeek. My phone hasn't stopped trilling and buzzing and my email inbox looks like a novel. Talking of which, I stand a sardine's chance in Seaworld of finishing my NaNoWriMo 'novel in a month', dammit. I will carry on with the novel but it ain't going to be finished in a week from now. No way.

On the positive side, the book seems to be selling quite well (4,669th on Amazon.co.uk!) and I'm working up pitches for at least four new books for 2009. My visitor map (at right) got so filled up with red blobs that the company who creates it (Clustrmaps) had to give me a whole new clean map ... and now that's filling up too. Thanks for visiting guys! Oh, and I won joint third prize in Bluestalking's 'Write a story in six words' competition. In fact, I'm delighted to report that I was only beaten by two visitors to this blog - Chip Smith and Persephone. Good for them.

And there's always good stuff arriving by email every day from my large, diverse and eccentric coterie of chums. I'll leave you today with this from lovely Liz in lovely Bourton-on-the-water. Enjoy!

Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to charity, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs, or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl onto my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the five bucks I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your shoulder blades, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Breakfast TV.

By the way.... Did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that ugly people with low IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

3 comments:

Persephone said...

Does this mean if I hadn't mentioned Bluestalking's contest, I would have won first prize? Dang!

Protege said...

Gosh, Stevyn, this was so funny, I kept laughing out loud while reading this post and all the students are starring at me.
I particularly love the last two sentences in that email of yours.;)))

Stevyn Colgan said...

Persephone - Very true, but you still beat me so the pecking order is preserved! Sob!

Protege - I'd love to claim credit for it ... but I can't.