Saturday, June 07, 2008

Today my penis, tomorrow the world!

Back in May I wrote this:

My spam box (NOT some ghastly euphemism) gets clogged daily with rubbish from 192 Scammers asking me to help them dispose of their millions, adverts for cut-price 'meds' and 'pilules' (sic) that could be viagra, vaigra or vigara, and any number of emails about the size of my penis. They are usually 'from' someone with a highly unlikely name like Rumpty Bargehead, Bondy Lung-Lun or Ilona Treff and open with a statement like:
  • Keep her satisfied all night with your girth ...
  • Say no to being weak and dow (sic), keep it up all night long!
Well, here's my favourite so far (arrived this morning):
  • Your PENIS will make more shadow than a tree.
I presume they mean a Bonsai in my case.'

Well, I still have to clean out my spambox (still NOT a ghastly euphemism) every day and the titles of the messages are getting ever more bizarre. Here are some that I've collected just this week:
  • Update your penis.
  • Be sexual giant all night long.
  • Your huge package is set to get larger today.
  • World domination is now possible.
  • Order entire ships for $2.95.

And this extraordinary sales pitch (from someone called Far Otto) of:

  • You look really stupid Steve Colgan.

Sorry, Far Otto, but telling me I look really stupid is unlikely to make me visit your site. And your mother is a fat cow.

As for the others, well, I don't need to update my penis; I'm happy with the current make, model and spec and will carry on using it until it packs up on me. Being a sexual giant is liable to be problematic unless I can find an equally sexual giantess and if my package is really so huge, making it larger would just be showing off. And would also involve me finding a sexual giantess.

But I had no idea that I could conquer the known world simply by having slightly bigger genitals. Or, indeed, that I could order a Navy to help me for just a few dollars per ship.

It makes me wonder why more people don't do it.


The Factory said...

Penile world domination for only £1.50 ? I wonder if that's true.

Richard Madeley said...

An excellent point, wisely warning us against penile over-extension. I once knew a man whose penis touched his knee. Of course, he had exceptionally short thighs but I thought it quite the boast.

Stevyn Colgan said...

Welcome to the blog, 'Richard'.

Now, about this 'I once knew a man' business. Is that like 'I have a friend who ...'

No wonder Judy smiles so much.

willow said...

I just added the new Blogger blog roll addition to my side bar which includes the title of the latest post of my favorite bloggers. Yesterday, my first day to have it up and operational, I look down and low and behold the "p" word is plastered on my sidebar. hahaha!! Hope it didn't scare any sweet elderly ladies! ;)

Stevyn Colgan said...

Willow - Ha! Ha! You definitely put a smile on my face today! The thought of all those prim and proper ladies ... but at least I DID use the 'P' word. It could have been SO much worse!