Dawn captured my shame on camera for future generations to point at and laugh.
I was rubbish. Absolute rubbish. My balls spent more time in the gutters than the average Sun reporter. Now there's a sentence you never thought you'd read. I would either let the ball go too early and watch it aimlessly dribble its way into the gutter. Or I'd release it too late - easily done with my fat thumbs - and wince as it flew through the air and smacked into the shiny floor with a bang like the first salvo of a six gun salute. Then, of course, it would roll into the gutter. Only now, everyone would be watching, having been alerted by the sound of potential gunfire.
Note the excellent ball positioning. My jeans were chafing, I admit.
Will I be going again? I wouldn't say no if I was invited, I guess. I'm not a humbug. But saying that, I can't see me being invited too often as the people I mostly kick around with are as uncoordinated and unsportsmanlike as I am. And everyone else could do without the massive handicap that my playing style would bring to their team. But I won't rule it out. And I might improve.
You can always build on a score of 0.
*Stephen Fry's Podgrams can be listened to and downloaded at www.stephenfry.com